Welcome; and how to get to sleep at night without guilt.
First of all- welcome to my humble tumble! (Gosh I’m funny.) I really appreciate every single one of you who has decided to listen to my ramblings and become involved with this little project of mine, and it is my intention that you will be able to get at least one helpful snippet out of being here. I have more ~grand and fabulous~ plans for this blog in the future however at the moment it’s just going to have to consist of mostly ‘my 2c’ type pieces as my resources are limited. Jack White always says that the less options you have, the more creative you are- so lets cross our fingers for that effect! (Rather than me just weeping in a corner…)
I’m currently typing this out on the world’s most broken laptop which has more keys missing on the keyboard than are present, with half the screen shattered and blocked out. I have no proper computer to write on, yesterday dropped my phone in the toilet, and in three days I’m moving out for the first time. Not exactly the most abundant time in my life. Not exactly the most ideal time to start writing to the many people of the internet either, yet here we are. What I’m trying to say basically is.. Just please bare with me for now whilst this blog is in its infancy. I’m sure it’ll be mostly me that’s offended by the ametuer quality of it, really! Trust me when I say though that I’ll do my very best to make the most important thing, the content, the best I can.
And that’s really all you can do in life, isn’t it? Your best. And with anxiety, sometimes your very best effort may not look like it on the outside. Your teacher may not notice the way your hands are shaking as you walk into class every week. Your friends may not know how your heart races as you are separated from them at a party. Your partner may not understand why your breathing gets so shallow as you choke on the words you want to say to them.
And I really feel for you in these moments. I know, I’ve been there too. And at the moment as the world seems to be throwing all the change it can at me I know that its not unreasonable, even after all my years of working to improve my anxiety, that I slip up! I have bad days, backwards moments. Mini panics come to try and find me. (the poor old panic, it really thinks its helping!). What I have learnt in all this though is that it’s okay to not be perfect, I’ve just got to do my best.
I was in my first aid class today (yeah, just a fun afternoon thinkin’ ‘bout death in all its incarnations…) and our instructor was asked, “when do you stop performing CPR?”. And you know what? If no other help arrives you’ve just gotta keep on doing it until you physically or emotionally can’t go on anymore. All you have to do is your very best. And if in saving another persons life those are the rules, then that makes me feel a lot better. Because that means that if in MY body and spirit I don’t have enough in me to do something, then as long as I’ve given my all and tried my very hardest: I have not failed, regardless of the outcome.
Some days it really is too much to push yourself to do everything other people can. And if you need to take it easy, you take it easy. If you feel strong enough to push yourself- then go get ‘em, tiger! Growth is for those that work at it. My tid-bit for you today though is to be gentle on yourself. Don’t beat yourself up if you try your very best and still can’t get yourself out the front door. Maybe have a cup of tea, do a sudoku, try again in half an hour. If you still can’t do it, have a bath, call in sick, give yourself what you need. Do a painting; snuggle up to your dog; have a star wars marathon; and don’t beat yourself up.
I have so much more to say!! Yet my fingers are aching now, I really must leave you. But we shall meet again!
Don’t think in absolutes, see all your options. Know when paranoia is fucking with you and engage your logical mind. Remember to breathe deep. Keep your hands occupied. And focus your mind on a task. Love yourself for the wonderful spirit you are. And listen to a groovy song, with a bit of a strut for extra points.
Until next time!
Much love, ~~stephanie. xx